people keep saying that you can, you are capable, and you are more than what you think you are.
and your system just keeps on rejecting that concept.

as if they know you more than you know yourself.
sad. because they don't.



they don't know what keeps you up at night.
they don't know how you struggle to function everyday.
they don't know all the doubts that have been circulating in your mind for years.. and years...
they don't know how many times you've almost given up.

and truth be told, they don't want to know.
they placed you in a pedestal up above that they start making success stories they want to believe in. they are applauding you. they want to see an inspiration who has been doing well. they want it to be you.

this facade that they have been building for you just eventually becomes a big pressure trying to chase your own butt. you want to give it all up but you can't disappoint everyone. you can't show them your weaknesses... your downfalls... your problems... or even just one sad emotion. and every day, it gets harder. living your life has suddenly become a chore, maybe? everything is now patterned to this fairy tale they have been envisioning.

one second you just want to ride along. it felt nice to inspire people. it feels great to give people hope. that there's a possibility for all these good things to happen... until you're caught up.. until you feel lost.. until you question everything. you know that at some point this might happen.. but look, you're still surprised. everything you (or they) have been trying to build... they're now starting to crumble down. you try to pick up the pieces that have been falling and each time you successfully pick a piece, another two comes off. everything's starting to collapse.

you do not want this to happen... but look, it's suddenly happening... you want to stop it from happening. so, how? you look around - trying to ask for help.. you tell yourself you cannot do this alone.. but what are you supposed to do when everyone around you are just spectators... not wanting to help you. what do you do when you've been screaming for help but people are ignoring the fact you actually need help?

in the end, you feel helpless and clueless. you start to wonder how you have accomplished so much. was it all genuine? or was it just to not disappoint people? was it all just a make believe story? now, you don't know if everything was real or not. it makes you feel stupid for believing other people that you can. as if you're clueless... and you do not know your real capabilities.

how does it end? or wait, how does it get better? 
will it even get better?

i'll get back to you on that.
i'm honestly just rambling, pardon the messy thoughts.

(february 2019)